Jack Crusher Day
by omschen
Summary: The title says it all. Our heros celebrate their father, friend, husband on his very special day Rating K plus for Scotch abuse


_**Author's Note**_

_A virus had left me staying in bed these last days and so I came up with this one. I hope I got the years correctly. I actually did some research on that. We don't really know a lot about Jack Crusher so I took the liberty to creat a bit of family around him. If anybody here knows MASH he might be a great great great...son of Charles. Not that he is Charles, but from a family like his. _

_The Characters are Paramounts, the story is mine. _

_Be free to comment. _

_** \- Year 0 -**_

It was an ordinary day. Utterly normal. The sun had been shining. The fog had left the bay weeks ago and summer was treating them with warmth and sunshine. She had planned on taking Wesely to the beach in the afternoon. She had stuffed his sandtoys, towels and sun lotion into her old fashioned straw bag the evening before. She wanted to seize as much of her free afternoon as possible. She had been working long hours lately and had barley seen her son playing. She dropped him off at daycare in the morning and very often she would be the last mother fetching him in the evening. He usually was happy but tired. He was such an easy to go kid. Sometimes she fell asleep, while bringing him to bed. It wasn't easy being a temporary single mum, but she loved her work as much as she loved her family and kept on struggling to juggle her obligations quite well. Of course it would have been easier, had Jack been stationed on earth or all of them could live on a planet somewhere out there. But he loved his job as senior officer on a starship and she would not have wanted him unhappy.

She had spent lunch with the group, she was doing research with. They had been sitting outside. The tables were round and they barely had enough space to place their trays onto them. When Salana went off to get coffee, she closed her eyes and looked into the sun. Her mind drifted to the beach. She would need to buy some fresh fruit on the way to take to the beach. Bananas for Wesley and ananas for herself. He loved banana and he was so thin, he could use the extra nutrition they gave him. And where had she left her sunglasses? She couldn't find them, when she was packing yesterday evening. She should have a look on her desk.

When they came back from lunch and passed the group of unknown officers in red uniforms she felt slightly uneasy. One never knew, what they wanted or what had happened. This was starfleet. Officers usually meant a change of some sort. Good news or bad news. One never knew and she couldn't help wondering, whom they were looking for. She went into the lab and grabbed her lab coat. She hated that hideous piece of cloth and Jack usually mocked her for wearing it. The only good thing about it was the pockets. She wondered why starfleet uniforms never had pockets. What was so wrong about pockets?

When their teacher Dalen Quaice came into the lab, she looked up and smiled at him. She liked him. He never bothered, if they had a question about something, they were already supposed to know. It seemed he even loved being asked all that stupid questions. He loved talking to his students and young doctors, discussing with him and he always made them look beyond pure medicine. He would start talking about a healing procedure and end up discussing the ethics behind that more than the procedure itself.

When he didn't smile back she got slightly disturbed. He moved towards her and placed a hand on her shoulder.

„Beverly, do you have a moment?"

His voices very soft and low. He looked worried. She straightens herself and nodded. She shoved her hands into the pockets of her coat and followed him into his office. Probably she would need to work longer today. She would need to call daycare and hope, that their trip to the beach would happen tomorrow. Luckily she hadn't told Wesley. She had wanted it to be a surprise. At least he wouldn't be sad or angry that way.

Dalen opened the door to his office and motioned her to enter first. There they were. The red shirts she had seen earlier. All of a sudden she felt her blood drain from her body. She grabbed the bookshelf to steady herself and felt Dalen Quaice move up behind her. She turned around and shook her head. She needed to stand for herself. Dalen Quaice offered her a chair, but she didn't want to sit. She wrapped the lab coat around her body like a piece of armour.

She had always thought, that on a day like that, there ought to be rain or fog. She always thought there would be some sign to prepare her. Something to tell her. But there wasn't. It was a perfectly ordinary day and the sun was shining, when her life changed forever. Her first thought was, that she had left her sunglasses at Kates place two days ago and that she should ask her to bring them to the lab. Strange how ordinary things still exist when your life changed forever.

..—..—V—..—..

_**\- Year 1 -**_

She had the feeling of being watched. She stood at Jacks grave. The sun was shining hot from the sky. She felt sweat running down her back. She wore a black dress with long arms. She had not worn black since almost a year. She didn't believe in those old morbid traditions. One did not have to wear black to grieve. And after all. She needed to live a life. And she wanted to. There! There was that feeling again. She carefully lifted her head to look around. The small community was standing around the grave listening to the priest. Jack's parents had insisted on a memorial service, dated one year after the day of his death. As if anyone could ever forget Jack! But that was so much like his parents, reliving the past because they had lost their future and couldn't let go.

She let her eyes wander over the trees in the back of the very old graveyard. One of the few very old and traditional graveyards, that still exited here. She must have imagined things, but as soon as she looked down again, she felt somebody staring at her. She slowly turned around and saw him standing in the trees. He wore his dress uniform. She knew he hated the stiff collar. He hated showing off his rank and status in that ways. But he wore it anyways. His way of showing respect for the man that had been his best friend and her husband. He had lost more hair and some weight. When he saw her looking at him, he looked down. She however smiled.

He was the man under who's command her husband had died and yet, in a way, she would have preferred to spend that day with him and Wesley on the beach,instead of standing at his grave with all his family and his family's friends. She noticed, that he wanted to turn away and leave, so she motioned him to stay. When the service was over she waited for everyone to speak their condolence again. Then she left. She couldn't see him anymore. He probably hid behind the trees. Standing across from him, she suddenly felt very awkward. Like a kid nor following the rules. She shook her head. But I am grown up! He didn't move and nor did she. Finally she found some words. She tried to smile a bit, but his face was set in stone. What did he hide from her. They used to be close but now it seemed they were just two strangers passing each other.

„Why didn't you come over?"

„I guessed, I was not welcome!"

„You are always welcome at my place."

„But this is not your place."

She hesitated.

„You are right. I don't belong here. And neither do you."

„Beverly..."

„Jean Luc. It was not your fault!"

He nodded and turned around to go. No goodbye. No smile. She stood watching him leave through the trees until he heard her son call her name.

.

..—..—V—..—..  


_**\- Year 3 -**_

She pushed Wesley into the shuttle. They had been late. As usual. She had dressed in the wrong cloths in the morning. She wasn't supposed to wear a white skirt and a shining blue shirt on a day like that. A day like that. In fact, she was not supposed to wear, what she was wearing on a sunny, hot day like that. But she wore the black trousers and the dark blue sweater anyways. Wesely had protested and screamed, when she had told him that today was not a good day to wear his beloved „I wanna be a starship captain"- T Shirt. So she had promised to buy him some ice-cream at the shuttle station. Of course he had spilled on his dark grey shirt and she had to drag him to the bathroom to clean him up.

She hated this day. She hated this trip and she hated Jack for doing this to her. She never saw eye to eye with his snobby parents. From the first time they had met, they had given her the impression, she was not good enough for their son and she would never be, no matter what she had accomplished or what she would accomplish in the future. She was one from the colonies, scottish heritage. She would never fit into the New England Society Jack grew up in. Never fill the name Crusher with the honour and grace, that they and their ancestors had managed to steel from society over all this centuries joining Boston Country Clubs and talking buisnes on a golf range. She didn't fit in and honestly, she wouldn't want to fit in, in a lifetime. She was raised to be free and independent. She was raised to stand up for herself and make of herself, what ever she wanted to make of herself and she had worked damn hard to become a doctor and a starfleet officer. She was raised to earn her own living and reputation and not to inherit it.

When she had called them three years ago to tell them, that Jack was dead, they had insisted to bury him inside the family grave next to his ohhhh so accomplished and great ancestors. At first she was taken aback by their request, always having imagined, that she would lie next to him one day. But at that time, she was too weak to fight them. They had taken care of his funeral and everything had been done according to their wishes. The catholic priest although Jack never believed in god, the lillys and the coffin although Jack had wanted to be cremated and hated lillys. She didn't mind at all, because he was dead anyways. All that mattered now was to survive. And she did survive. Now she was glad Jack was buried there in his family grave. She was a restless person and she wouldn't know, where she would go and work next year or in five or ten years. She felt drawn into space and the only thing that kept her on earth was Wesley.

Jack's parents had offered to take more care of Wesley. They had tried to get her to move to Boston. They had arranged for her to have an interview at Boston General. It would have been a big step, but she would never had been sure, whether she had gotten the job because they really were interested in her as a Doctor ,or whether she had gotten the job thanks to her in laws. She had declined. Plus she had no intention leaving Starfleet.

When that didn't work out, they offended Wesely could come and live with them or at least, he could go to school there or what so ever. He was their only grandson and as Jack had no brothers or sisters, he would stay the only heir. And they couldn't leave him with such an irresponsible woman as Beverly Crusher. Could they? Well. She stood her case and Wesley stayed at his Grandparents, whenever he wanted to, but he also loved to be free and on his own a lot, so even spoiling him with ice-cream, boat trips and toys made him want to come back after a week's holiday, to spent time with his mother and his friends.

She closed her eyes. They would be there in an hour, they would have lunch together in the big dining room. Windows closed, the sun being kept out by the heavy velvet green drapes, one would rather find on a theatre stage. Then they would go to their rooms, rest and wait for the other guests. At exactly 14:30 the small crowd would walk to Jacks grave and stand there mourning, not talking, eyes to the ground for 15 minutes. Jack's father would read a small speech and pray. It would be difficult to keep Wesley standing quietly in one spot and her mother in law would give her those mean side glances. Afterwards they would have coffee and cake with everyone and Beverly never understood the concept of a funeral feast.

She would rather go to the beach with Wesley. She would rather stripe of the dark clothes and jump into the water and let the ocean wash away everything. She needed space. She needed the sky and she knew she needed to get moving.

..—..—V—..—..  


**_\- Year 6 -_**

His friends knew better than to bother him that day, and his crew didn't dare addressing him. He had taken off today, as he had done year after year that day. In the beginning Walker Keel had tried to talk him into spending the day with him. He had not managed. Then one year Walker had just been there, knocked at his door but was not granted access. He had tried talking to him over the years. Tried making him see, that Jack's death was not his fault. But Picard was stubborn like hell, when it came to Jack. He had lost men before and after Jack during his command, but never had it hit him like when he had lost his best friend. Knowing him, Walker Keel had his own theory about it.

He sat in his cabin staring at the bottle of scotch in front of him. He didn't dink. At least not, what you would call drink. He was not to drown his sorrow in alcohol nor in any other drug that might make him feel better. He knew he was acting stupidly. He was a rational man. He was a starship captain, but when it came to this one crew member, that had died under his command, he was far from rational. One couldn't even call it emotional. He was being frenzied. This was the day. The first time, he had held his best friend's dead body in his arm, crying and screaming to the gods of the universe. He had never thought that grief could give you physical pain, but on that day he had felt it.

On the first anniversary he had visited his grave. He had stood hiding in the trees like a dangerous criminal watching Jack's family stand at the grave, mourning: a father, husband, son and friend. He had not dared going there. He had not felt worthy, being among those who openly grieved this man. Then Beverly had spotted him and given him absolution. He couldn't believe it. He couldn't take it. He couldn't take seeing her standing there alone. He couldn't believe she could ever talk to him. Offering him friendship and forgiveness. So he didn't take it. He didn't take her absolution nor her friendship and went away to never come back.

On the second anniversary he formed a tradition. He would look at Jack's picture and grieve. As time went by, he wasn't so sure wether he grieved or simply renewed the guilt that he thought, he should feel. He needed to feel this physical pain again, he had felt, when he held Jack's dead body. He wanted to feel miserable. He needed to do something, that was totally out of line for him. So he had started to drink. Only that day he would drink. He had started to drink too much that day, so much, he would totally lose control. He did not drink to forget. He did drink to lose control. To not be himself anymore. To hurt himself by killing the captain and himself. To kill the captain and himself by losind control.

He didn't like losing control. The first glass was the most difficult one. He stared at the bottle. Then he took up the padd, to look at his friends picture. He searched the database for Beverly. She was still working in that Starfleet Hospital in San Francisco. Would she attend the memorial, he knew Jack's parents were still holding every year. He knew their relationship had always been strained. But probably she would be there. Not for her sake, but for her son's sake. He found a picture of her. He thought she was still the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. He threw down the padd and tired to bann that last thought out of his mind.

He reached for the bottle and slowly unscrewed the cork. He took a deep breath and filled the tumbler half full with the amber liquid. He slowly placed the bottle back on the table and took the tumbler up. He stared at the liquor trying to look though it, to see through the blurriness and make out the forms behind. Then he slowly put the glass to his lips and started to drink. The liquid was warming his mouth and the scent blurred his nostrils. He closed his eyes savouring the calming taste. Then he suddenly swallowed the rest. He took the bottle, filled the tumbler and swallowed quickly. One glass, two glasses, three glasses until the bottle was empty and the only thing that was left was guilt.

..—..—V—..—..  


_**\- Year 9 -**_

„Do you think Grandma and Grandpa will be very mad, that we didn't come this year?"

Beverly smiled. Her son had just grabbed a bowl of cereals and sat down on the small breakfast table. She moved behind him and ruffled his hair.

„I guess they are a little sad, but they surely understood, that we cannot leave the Enterprise for their memorial service now, that we had only been here for a few months. The trip would have taken us two weeks."

She moved around the table to sit next to her son and grabbed her coffee. She knew, they were mad. She had not talked to them, but had written them a message and the answer had been devastating using phrases like „how dare you", „never understood", „family tradition", but she would keep this from her son. He loved and respected his grandparents and he was still a kid in some way. She wouldn't want her view on them influence his relationship with them.

He nodded shovelling some more cereal into his mouth. Beverly smiled. He looked cute and happy. It had been the right decision to apply for this position on the Enterprise. Before he shoved in the next spoon, he looked her into the eyes.

„Mum?"

She nodded him to continue.

„I know this is an awful thing to say, but I am glad we don't need to go to the memorial service."

Beverly placed her hand on Wesleys forearm.

„I don't even remember dad that much and all this tradition about his death …"

he took a deep breath.

„I would want to remember him, but the way, they are having this service is giving me the creeps."

He looked into his mothers eyes, preparing to hear her opinion about what he just said. He didn't know what to expect, but hoped she would somehow understand. To his astonishment she smiled and cupped his face with her hand.

„To be honest Wesley. I never felt comfortable there either."

Wesley let out the breath, he hadn't known, he was holding. Beverly withdrew her hand and he stuffed the next portion of cereal into his mouth.

„Would you want us to do our own small memorial service?"

She asked, while he was still chewing.

He quickly shook his head and answered

„I don't think so."

his mouth still full.

He swallowed down and looked at her questioning, whether his decision was ok with her

„Or would you want us to do something",

he asked hesitantly.

She shook her head.

He put the spoon next to the bowl.

„I don't even miss him. He had never been there that much, when he was still alive and I honestly almost don't remember him. Whenever I was at Grandma and Grandpa, but especially, when we were there for the memorial service I always tried to miss him, but I never did. It made me feel really bad some times. Do you think I am unthankful or heartless?"

Beverly took his hand in between hers and shook her head

„No. You are not! I understand you. You cannot miss or grieve someone you never really knew. Had I known earlier, I would have found a way not have to attend the services earlier."

„It is ok mum."

He placed his other hand on hers and they smiled at each other, sharing one of those moments, that had become rare, since he had become a teenager and even rarer since they had come on the Enterprise.

They both withdrew their hands and Beverly took up her cup, when Wesely dared to ask the question, that had been on his mind for a long time.

„Do you still miss and mourn him?"

Beverly sighed and took a deep breath. She put down her cup and brushed a strain of hair out of her face.

„I still miss him and I still mourn him, but it is not ruling my life. To be honest I rarely think of him. I had a wonderful life without your father and who knows what would have become of him and me."

He stared into his bowl of cereal. She reached over under his chin to lift his face to look him deep in the eyes.

„I have a wonderful son, that will always remind me of the good times, we had together and that is, what I am thankful for. That is what I remember. And when he died I had to live on my own and I like my life the way it is now.

Wesley nodded.

„You are the best mother I can imagine."

He threw his arms around her and hugged her to him. They both were slightly overwhelmed by the sudden exposure of affection. He was a teenager by now after all and they both didn't remember the last time, they had been so close. They slowly moved apart. Wesley concentrated on his cereal again and Beverly got up to fetch herself a new cup of coffee.

Chewing down his cereal he said.

„I need to get going. The Captain will be back tomorrow and I want to finish my research project before he is back."

..—..—V—..—..  


_**\- Year 10 -**_

He stared at the bottle again. He closed his eyes and saw Wesley. He was looking more and more like Jack and he was a daily reminder, that Jack was dead and he had killed him. Only that of course he had not killed him - be rational Jean Luc, it was not your fault and even Beverly had told you so - and only that of course, any other day he did not feel this pain. Because he would not allow guilt and pain to reign his life. But today he was supposed to feel guilt and pain. Today he was supposed to lose his precious control. He grabbed the glass and emptied it. He reached for the bottle, filled the glass again and again to feel the pain of losing control.

..—..—V—..—..  


**_\- Year 11 -_**

He had taken off, but not managed to get off the ship. This was dangerous. After all there was a Betazed Counselor on board and you never knew, when she would sneak into your emotions. And then there was Beverly. He had always thought serving with her had would enhance his guilt and grief, but their friendship made him more and more forget to grief or feel guilty. She spent time with him, lalthough she was supposed to hate him. She had never thought, he was guilty. She had never held him responsible for her husbands death.knoqing that slowly changed his view.

Maybe it was time to give up on his tradition. But there still was that other guilt. Maybe it was about that guilt all those years after all? The love he felt back than and still was feeling for her today. They had become even closer since she had come back from her year at Starfleet Medical. He even had the impression, she was pushing their friendship forward. Not that he minded. He embraced their friendship, but had decided to let her set the pace and she had followed his invitation and become his only true friend on this ship. Maybe even his only true friend since Walker Keel was gone and he had not let anybody get as close as Beverly. But what where his reasons.

Were they not enough to feel guilty. He went up to get the bottle. He placed it on the small table. Maybe it was time to break with this tradition? What was Beverly doing now? She had not taken off. And Wesely? He probably was on the bridge or at engineering.

He stared at the bottle. This was not right and that's why it must be done. How stupid that sounded. Even in his strange little world, that he had been creating that day, year after year. He opened the bottle and filled the first glass. He lifted it to stare at the amber liquid, trying to look behind the blurriness, trying to find peace. But then he noticed, that he was at peace. The urge to punish himself was no longer present.

But why? Maybe he finally grew up! Maybe he had to see himself that she didn't hold him responsible for Jack's death himself. And she had not told him in words, but the fact that she trusted his command, she trusted him to be her Caprain, that she trusted him with Wesley was so much more. And then of course their friendship. He even started to get over the guilt that had been his companion for as long as they had known each other. He has fallen in love with his best friend's girl and later wife. But he had never acted on those feelings and he never would. So why continue thismorbid tradition? This will be the start of a new era.

He got up and emptied the glass into the toilet. He closed the bottle and placed it back into the cupboard. There would come better occasions to drink from that bottle. Times to celebrate. Times to enjoy.

All of a sudden he noticed a special kind lightness coming back into his life. There was only one thing left to do. He activated his communicator.

„Doctor Crusher?"

„Yes Captain. Jean Luc?",

he heard her answering through the com system. She seemed astonished he would call. Of course she knew that he was off duty. As she used his first name, he knew she was alone.

„Beverly, would you do me the honour to have diner with me?"

She raised her eyebrows. Although he did not see her, he noticed her astonishment and hesitation.

„Hm.. yes. Thank you."

He smiled

„When are you free?"

„I guess I will be available from 2000h"

„Then I will await you 2000h in my quarters. Picard out."

He could not see her raising her eyebrow. He could not see her wrinkling her forehead. He could not see her smiling and shaking her head. But he knew, something new was about to start and he intended to embrace that with his whole being.

Maybe he should take the bottle out again after all. Yes. He placed it on a small tray on the sofa table and fetched two glasses. Then he went to his bedroom to fetch a book. He still had enough time to read before he needed to get change and prepared.


End file.
